Part four. Not doing it on my own anymore.

In the midst of everything I am going through, I find myself returning to my past, to how I have lived my life.

I have done things on my own.
I have met hardship on my own. I have gone through it on my own.

It was never really a decision. I didn’t sit down and choose it. It was just the way I handled life.

I went to doctor’s appointments alone. I drove there alone. I managed my life with a broken arm. I packed my bags and moved with a hurting back. I just fixed it. I just carried on.

It didn’t really occur to me that I could ask for help.

This is not about delegating. I am very good at that. My family would probably say I’m annoyingly good at it.

This is something else.

This is about how I have moved through the harder parts of life. The moments that come to all of us, here and there, now and then. I have clenched my teeth. I have held my breath. I have pushed through. I have fought my way forward when things have been hard.

This time is different. Very different.

Is it because I now know I don’t have to do it on my own?
Is it because I have grown wiser over the years?

It is not because this is harder than other things I have gone through. Because it isn’t.

But this time, I am not clenching my teeth. I am not holding my breath.

When people have asked if they can support me, if they can pray for me, send Reiki, hold me in their thoughts, I have said yes. With joy.

Yes, please.

And I have been asking.

I asked my husband Jörgen to be there at every doctor’s appointment. To sit beside me. To hold my hand. To listen carefully to what the doctors say.

I asked him to drive me to the hospital.

I asked my family to think of me when the treatment started. I asked friends, new and old, to be with me in their thoughts. I asked my Reiki friends to send energy. I asked my yoga group to hold me. I asked my colleagues and my team for their support.

I asked.

And I received.

On the first day of my radiation treatment, in my meditation before going to the hospital, I opened myself to receive everything I had asked for.

And I received.

I could feel it. The energy. The thoughts. The love. All of it.

During the treatment, I began to visualize the radiation as warm sunlight, as love, as energy flowing into me rather than something being done to me.

It felt like a blessing.

I am now one third of the way through the treatment, and the visualization only grows stronger.

One of the best pieces of advice I received came from a dear friend who had been through this before.

Drink a green juice after every treatment. Fill yourself with love, sunlight, and nature. Be barefoot in nature every day. Rest more than you think you need.

And allow yourself to receive.

…

This is the fourth reflection in a series about receiving a diagnosis and learning to live with the unknown.